The life of a Jonahite: When our journeys fail to meet our expectations

Last Sunday during church the speaker was talking about obedience when a thought came to mind about Jonah in the Old Testament. It gave me pause as I wondered about how well I follow the commandments. I don't have a problem with killing people or worshiping idols, not many people of faith do, but the commandments I am speaking of are the unmentioned sort. The ones we know deep within that we need to be following. The words the Lord writes upon our hearts and whispers to our souls. These are not stone inscribed tablets containing one line numbered sermons that descend down from a mount in the arms of a mighty prophet.

These are gentle impressions that float by. So softly, like the cotton drifting along in early summer as the towering trees shed their spring coats. The thoughts that are so easy to miss because we often stare at the engraved stone tablets like a checklist and assume we are doing well enough. 

All of us, at times, are not true to who we know we are and must become. In that sense, we are not following the “commandments.” These are the boundaries we each feel we should stay within or the peaks we feel we should climb. Achieving new heights that help us reach beyond our current station in mortality.

The Voice

Everyone is different and thus everyone hears a different voice coming from the same source. We each are taught in a language we each are able to hear. This is not a “tongue” but an understanding of ideas that we are ready to accept. A successful marriage seems to be one where a husband and wife are hearing the same voice and working towards the same goals at the same pace. Even more successful is the marriage where one hears the voice first and compels the other to listen and to rise to the same level or ideally beyond. Thus, in turn, encouraging each other into a leap frog effect that ends in an eternal embrace with our Father in Heaven.

Hopefully each of us recognizes our own abilities and eventually comes to terms with where we fall short. Like Jonah we sometimes decide to go our own route for a while. We run from Nineveh and where we feel we need to go. If we do not go and do what we feel we are commanded to do we will eventually find ourselves sitting alone, in a filthy darkness, floating in the sea of this bleak world. Having come to terms with our loss of light, our inability to control our course and overall helplessness, we turn to the One that is our source of light. Our source of direction and the source of all life.

Finding ourselves spit out on the beach of a new beginning we drag ourselves onto the winding path towards the goal we are now much further away from. So we listen to the voice and do what has been asked of us. A burden and responsibility only we can achieve. Then, having achieved this task, it is almost as if we are waiting for heavenly trumpets or a chorus of a thousand angels to triumphantly announce our success. It does not come and the end result is often different then what we expect.

A “Jonahite” attitude may exist as we sit under our gourd, having accomplished what was asked of us, and demand our own ending. The ending we feel is just or the stamp of justification for doing what we did. It does not come and we wither away, sliding back into the belly of the whale of our own ignorance.

The Path

Reflecting on all of this I can’t help but think about what has happened in my life over the past six months.

At the first of this year I returned to a path I left shortly after college, that of teaching high school students religion (Seminary) for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I did not fully complete the hiring process in 2005 and instead went into real estate related careers. Finding myself unemployed last summer I returned to student teaching this winter and everything aligned into perfect order so it became possible for me to provide for my family while teaching only one class.

Miracle after miracle occurred due to family and friends and it all led back into the classroom. On my way home from my first day teaching anxiety bled out of my heart and flooded my body with cold sweats that eventually went away but even with medication the “bleeding heart” effect was always in the background. Describing clinical anxiety to someone that has not felt it is difficult. It is not only an emotional reaction but a physical one that often one does not realize they are experiencing until the bed sheets are soaked through and the dreaded hopelessness sets in. You quickly become a shell of who you were and face your feeble mortality, one racing heart beat after another. Weight loss comes with the lack of appetite, as does the desire to hide from anything approaching the anxiety producing cause. 

It was rough taking over another class for someone else in the middle of a trimester and almost impossible with anxiety. Student teaching is like having a job interview, every day for several months. It is not easy. Especially when in the Seminary program you usually only get one shot in the hiring process.

On the drive home from teaching that first day this winter I realized why I left the student teaching program in 2005. I ran away from that monster many call anxiety. Freed from its claws for so long and not recognizing what it was in 2005 I fully saw it for what it was this time around and was determined to not run from it again. I committed to teach for two months until the trimester was over and I was not backing out again. I pushed through with the support of my loving wife and completed the semester on a high note. I loved teaching that class and learned so much. I learned to love the students and to love the profession of teaching religion. I opened up my heart to it and embraced it fully. I left myself wide open to whatever was to come, fully believing it would be an offer of employment to be a Seminary Teacher.

The Wrong Path?

I was not hired to teach, like a mountain of stone the news rolled on top of me. It hurt with a pain that after three months I am still feeling. I broke my wrist in 8^th grade and it required surgery. Sometimes at the computer I still feel slight pangs from that injury 20 years ago. Will this rejection be the same?

I knew, beyond all doubt, that I was to teach those two months. That much I was sure of. The challenge (one of many) that I have discovered in my short 34 years is that when we start a journey we think we know the destination or the experiences we will have. We expect certain results and anticipate the ups and downs on the way. The challenge is that most of our expectations are unmet and what we thought was the end goal is usually the start onto another journey. So it was with teaching. I expected to have a few challenges but to be successful and in the end receive an offer of employment. Those few challenges turned into some of the most painful of my life. The ending led to rejection.

So am I a Jonahite?

Did I follow a path I tried to run from, finally returning and expecting a different result then what the Lord had in mind? How often do I do this? Maybe I am the only one that feels this way but very frequently I have unmet expectations. Especially if it is something I have planned out with an anticipated result.

After being turned down from teaching, I must admit that I sat under my gourd for a few days. The most difficult part of the experience was that there were so many unbelievably amazing people that were praying for us and offering support. Telling them it was a no when they were so confident and hopeful broke my heart on many occasions. It was painful on many levels and like facing the rejection all over again with every person I told.

Most did not know this at the time but the Monday before I received the bad news, my wife and I found out we were pregnant. Our youngest is 6 and we just assumed we could no longer get pregnant. The fact that we found out the week of when the news about teaching was to arrive seemed to be yet another miracle and another sign pointing in the affirmative direction that I would get hired to teach. So when the bad news came the gourd and I became fast friends.

Moving on

My wife and I picked ourselves up and moved on. I painted for about a month and then went back to working commercial construction doing laborer work. Two weeks ago we decided to look into MBA programs in accounting, due to the suggestion of a friend and previous Bishop. We thought it would be perfect if we could find a job, even part time, where I could work in an accounting related position while going to school. The next morning, a Friday, another good friend and neighbor called saying his company was interviewing for an accounting position that day and wondered if I could break away to come up and interview. I was offered the job as I was heading home from the interview. I started work the following Monday.

This life is strange. We follow the path’s we are given or the ones we choose and rarely see expected results. The most challenging paths are the ones we feel we are directed to travel and then come to a dead end. The most soul retching is when we expect to find an oasis as our end goal and in fact the expected oasis is yet another stone mountain to climb. Stepping out of the brush of our travels we clear the final canopy and look outward expecting relief when all we can do is look up and see the journey continue.

So we climb and we listen to the voice within, trying to follow and to be led. Trying to keep moving on, even when the gourds of this life call for us to sit in our dejection and wither away. It is our choice, to continue forward or to sit and waste away. To do what we feel is right, or to sit in the stench filled darkness of our failures. Our task is that we simply go, to go and do.

 -The Feeble Soul

© 2014

The River of Life: Dear Dad...

I wrote this for my dad over a decade ago seeing in him things I hoped to come in future days. After this past weekend and being in the Temple with him for the first time in 16 years I felt I should share this.  

Water rushing by, almost like a dream. Cannot wipe away the cobwebs of a short nights sleep. Heavenly golden rays find their way through the wooden giants, trunks as old as those who gaze upon them. Strong and firm the giants stand, gazing upon the river like protectors, friends.

The sun splashes upon the rippling pool of life, dancing and singing its silent song. A bird or two and a breeze, always a fresh mountain grown breeze. It cools and brings with it a crispness and familiarity that can only be felt at this place and at this time.

I came with excitement; I came with hopes to catch the biggest and the best. Now frustration and strife disturb my serenity. “Give up, you are beaten... you are no good!” These words pierce my mind with sharpness and relentless pain.

After what seems years it finally comes, it is the hand, as big as life, it rests upon my shoulder. The hand, scarred and worn from years of labor, fills my soul with warmth, warmth of endless love. Oh the voice of one who knows, he sees, he understands. Softly he speaks, “my son, you have a tangled mess here. I will help. Give me your line, you have done enough. Now go rest for a time and allow me to heal and mend wrongs you cannot rectify.” With the tender love of a father he makes everything better again. I continue on with renewed intensity, but now with an increased understanding.

The day is far from over. There are many joys to experience, many fish to catch, but I now know; HE will always be there, my Father by my side. I need not fear.

Now I see I see with eyes of experience. Many have let go and many have wandered. Many have never experienced the healing hand of the Father, for these I morn. Yet as the hours flow by I have seen a mighty few, as strong as the river rocks are these. In the river of life we view many. Some sit on the banks and dip their toes while others merely cast a solitary reflection. Some jump head first into the rushing waters and drown, or simply float away.

The mighty few are those who have fallen in unknowingly and find that all light is gone. Yet these few emerge from the bottom of the cold depths to struggle with life itself. As a result of this struggle two things happen. The first is that the rough stone edges of heartache begin to wear away. Second, the river then parts as it passes by or smoothly flows over these rocks so few. Where many drown these precious few live. They live what is almost a new life, one were all who pass pause to honor the life lived and savor the life now created.

My dad is among these mighty ones. These mighty few have fought for so long that they cannot see their own reflection of what they have miraculously become. I see, I see the light that now burns, I see one who I love more now then ever.

The Father, he has those he cherishes the most. These are his precious river rocks, the stones that seem to fight an unending battle against the currents of life. As his Son once delicately put it, “for who that has ninety and nine and has lost one does not leave the ninety and nine to find the one. And when returning with the one rejoices more over the one then over all of the ninety and nine. Thus is the kingdom of heaven.” So it is with the mighty few, rejoice, rejoice indeed.

We are not alone in this river we call life. Many are there to guide and to love. We may catch the big one and we may not, but all that matters is that we have come, and we do not finish till we are done. When the sun is set and night is drawn, when finally we are brought home.

Now I vow, I vow to return and not alone. Those I love and those I hold dear, they will be by my side or leading the way. I will not return till all I love are with me, and then will the work be done. Hand in hand, the Father we will greet and share all together the wonders and the heartaches and greatest of all the joys and splendors of the river, the river we call life.

 -The Feeble Soul

© 2013

A Reflection on Faith & Trials

Right before Christmas my family and I were driving around Idaho Falls looking at the Christmas lights when I took us through Snake River Landing. This property is one of many that I managed before being laid off this summer. The scars still somewhat fresh from that experience, we drove slowly and looked at the 100 + trees all lit up.  The trees were gorgeous in the winter night. The day before we had an interesting weather phenomenon with thick fog and a resulting winter wonder land. At first I thought it was Air Hoarfrost but after doing a little research I found that it is actually called Rime Ice that had formed on the trees. I wanted to continue driving through but my wife suggested I pull over and take a picture. So I pulled out my 21st Century camera (iPhone 5) and snapped a couple shots. Sometimes I get lucky, this was one of those times. No editing was done, nature had already taken care of that.

This picture has taught me 2 things. The first is that I should listen to my wife more and the second is that out of the frigidly blinding foggy night can come breathtaking results. Without the thick low hanging clouds to prevent one from seeing, the phenomenon of Rime Ice cannot form. This was the first time in my life I have seen this winter wonder occur in such a way. 

Over the course of the next 2 weeks, I would come to see countless winter wonders. These were created by those we know as we were covered in a blanket of blessings from so many.
(Here is that Story)
http://thefeeblesoul.blogspot.com/2013/12/a-20-christmas-miracle.html

Due to the blessings that descended, I was in the position to explore teaching religion (Seminary) to LDS high school students part time. As a student teacher I would then be up for full time hiring this April. More miracles occurred and I spoke face to face with the Student Teacher Trainer on the last Friday of Christmas break. I began teaching one class up at the Madison high school seminary in Rexburg the following Monday. I have come to know for a surety that this is what I am supposed to be doing at this point. 

Will I get hired to teach full time? I don't know but as I prepared to speak in sacrament meeting today at church I had some time this week to reflect on a few things concerning Faith & Trials. The suggestion was made to post my talk but I don't write out talks word for word. I bullet point ideas & scriptures or make a grouping of quotes, etc. With an extemporaneous delivery, it is impossible for me to write down what was spoken and share it in the same way it was delivered. Short of recording it and transcribing it I can only share the ideas, and not the talk. The message was for that particular audience at that moment, to try to re-create that would not do it justice but I feel I need to pass along some of the things I explored. What I want to share is simply the "solution step" portion of my talk that I was only able to briefly cover today.

Of Faith and Trials:

Three points to ponder in the midst of struggling to keep your faith in the midst of trials.

#1 Obedience

Obedience to God and his commandments will strengthen your faith as you know that you are doing all that you can do. You can kneel before him in confidence that you are doing your part and the blessings he has for you will eventually come. 

#2 Forgiveness

To hold strong to faith in the turbulent sea of sorrow and heartache one needs to seek forgiveness from Heavenly Father and to extend forgiveness to others. This act cleanses the soul and purges out sin, malice and hate in our lives. Satan is the father of contention and holding on to his destructive child, even a small portion, will erode our faith.

#3 Gratitude

Applying the atonement in our lives brings pure faith as we trust in the Savior. Gratitude will literally change our minds and our behavior, increasing our faith. We should start our prayers with thanking the Father for our blessings and for his Son. We should start our day by reflecting on what we are grateful for and end the day doing the same. Science is realizing this phenomenon and its power to heal attitudes and literal change our brain. 

I viewed a 'Ted talk' by Psychologist Daniel Amen this past week. (You can find him on Youtube). He has conducted  over 83,000 brain scans. The scans were done on brains of those diseased with mental illness or were physically damaged. The scans showed pockets or holes in brain activity and functionality. This leads to problems in behavior. It is interesting that the healing process and therapy that has verifiable results starts with one simple action. The literal healing of the brain occurs, these holes or pockets of activity begin to heal with one simple act. The start of this is done in the simple process of having the patients come up with 3 things every day they are thankful for. This action was done with patients dealing with everything from depression & anxiety to Alzheimer's and even those suffering from blunt force head trauma. The therapy, centered around gratitude, helped to fill in the inactive parts of the brain. Attitudes and behaviors changed for the better.

Gratitude will not only heal you but will strengthen and build your faith because it is an action centered in and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He is the ultimate Healer.

Finally, when we feel we have done all we can we need to exercise our faith in the mist of our trials we must take a "But if not..." attitude. 

In the LDS General Conference of April 2004, Elder Dennis Simmons shared this "But if Not..." principle. The following is from his talk:

"We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.

They were told to worship idols or be thrown in the fiery furnace. They had faith that they would be delivered but they also made the statement "but if not, we will still not believe in your idols." 

Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has." 

I love this principle shared by Elder Simmons. 

Through the winter fog of heartache and sorrow, we will find miracles. We will find sights that astound us and if we are faithful will lead us back into the arms of our loving Father in Heaven. It is our faith that we are to find. God knows our hearts, our strength and our faith. The trials we face are not for his benefit but for ours so that we too can come to know of our own strength. To know what we are capable of. One day I hope to look into His loving eyes and in them see myself as he sees me. This is my hope and my faith.

-The Feeble Soul