The fog of fear is the deadliest toxin we will ever encounter on this short sojourn here in mortality. It silences the voice of one who would speak. Cripples the mind of those seeking insight. Shatters the hope of a suffering soul and smothers the light in the heart of one that is already surrounded by darkness.
Despair is a poor synonym for fear. It is like trying to describe a car wreck by saying “it was loud.” A car wreck is so much more than a noise, it is an experience that refuses to contain itself within a single notion. So it is with fear.
In fear lays a bed of quicksand that will swallow one within the shortest of time. The more one struggles, the quicker it happens and escape becomes impossible. The bed of fear is not one that you stubble your way out of.
This week a familiar struggle washed over me (finances, it always seems to begin there) and I began to wallow in it’s dark wake. After only 3 classes into graduate school I racked up a significant amount of student loan debt and began to literally become sick over it. In graduate school there are no pell grants or subsidized loans. You get loans and they start accumulating interest immediately, though re-payment does not begin until you graduate or stop attending school full time. With simple calculations, I have known that by the time I get out of school and have to start paying the debt back there will be a hefty reoccurring monthly reckoning. Practically a small mortgage payment.
An intense dichotomy emerged as on the one hand I have my wife with my logical side pushing for more education which will equal greater opportunities. Followed along with the benefits of greater security and increased knowledge. On the other side of the educational coin I detest the bondage of debilitating debt. Student loan debt is accepted as a societal norm when in fact it should be treated as a destructive cancer that indentures the populace for a significant amount of their working careers.
Einstein had his own definition of insanity in explaining that doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results, is insane. Had he lived in this new millennial age I feel he would agree with me on another definition as well:
You go to school to get a job that you must have to pay off a debt that was required to get you the education to get that job.
The Miracle of 3’s
For several months I have been pleading with Heavenly Father on how to avoid this “insanity” and to provide a way for me to get through school with minimal financial obligation. With going back to school it felt like I was stepping back 10 years. I had started a new career, had another baby after 7 years since our last one and recently took on new responsibilities in my Church. The first miracle came a couple weeks ago when I received a promotion at work and took on new responsibilities/roles. Our financial burden was lightened a bit. The second miracle came from tax returns that are enough to pay off all of the student loan debt I have incurred so far. It seemed to be a moot point however because of the perpetual borrowing that we are in with schooling. This actually caused fear and all the other aspects of anxiety and depressive emotions to move in and take residence within my mind this week. It is not a good place to be and one I figured I would have to endure all through the 3 years of school. The quote from a childhood hero of mine, Ezra Taft Benson, comes to mind as I reflect on the point I was at: “There are times when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil until his depressive spirit leaves you.” I was settling in for a long fight.
The 3rd miracle happened on Friday in the form of a way to get through school without interest bearing debt. I still didn’t recognize it as an answer to prayer and the blessing that it is when my wife told me about it. Then yesterday morning, Valentines Day, I woke up wide awake at 6:00 am (I blame my mother for my early morning chromosomes). Instantly I thought of these 3 occurrences in rapid succession as true miracles and was filled with not only a sense of gratitude but a sense of hope and peace. The next several hours were spent in the Temple of the Lord, reflecting on that special moment.
The fog of fear is very real in everyones life. It waits, ever so patiently, until it can ebb in and suffocate us. It can be seen, it can be heard and it can be felt. It is real. But so is love, hope, and gratitude. I believe the true miracle in this small episode was the almost instantaneous transformation that happened within my mind and soul when gratitude was felt. Forgetting is a sin with very natural consequences. Remembering our own blessings will heal us of daily fears. Remembering our Savior daily will heal us for eternity.
-The Feeble Soul
© 2015
